a little voice inside my head says dont look back you can never look back...

oh wow

2004-06-21T04:27:59Z

i graduated, wierd.
wierd wierd wierd, it still hasnt really hit.
but other things have hit.

like uh, my ability to hurt people more then i ever imagined.
try im an idiot and i suck at life!!
two good people who are hurting. or no.
one good person hurting and one whos about to be hurt.

i didnt mean to lead you on.

and as for the other situation...i cant say anything except i love you still. and im sorry.

i guess i didnt realize my capabilities.
didnt think someone like him could really like someone like me and now that he does, im stuck not wanting to hurt him because i do like him, but really really having to because im more selfish then giving and i want something else.

seriously, what is it with me sucking at life lately?

whatever, things are screwed up and i randomely left for five weeks. what good timing.

maybe its what i need.
time.
to think, to learn how to handle my life without the drama.
a break.

its over. high school is over.
do i hear a hellelujah chorus?
not really.

haha, i totally had ADD during grad. i was so bored. until i walked up there and said this is it and i expected to feel something but it was really nothing. im just walked across the damn stage and heard my uncle whistling and all i could think is, dont fall , dont fall

whatever. seriously i need to suck it up and grow up.
the world is at my feet and i will take it all by myself.
alone.
i need to be alone sometime.
gotta figure out that im myself before anything else ya know?

congrats class of 2004
we did it

see ya all when i get back, wih a new worldly demeanor and hopefull some new inner strength.
gotta go find it.

you were my sun, you were my earth....

2004-06-15T02:05:44Z

i guess i didnt know all the ways he loved me
i took a chance
made other plans

(JT, i am corny...)

well anyways.
rehearsal was interesting. Sitting next to ben talking about bryce elser. Of course. and who else would be my partner to hook arms with and walk down the aisle except for the one and only bill roberts?
my favorite guy in the entire world.
not so bad.
i guess we're over it. graduating. no point ya know?

the damage is done.

well whatever. For a second when i was signing matts book i got emotional. The tears just gushed out for a few seconds. But i swallowed them. You GOT TO.
what else is there to do?
pretend its not coming.
but its already here.

so once again i have the lame decision sitting at my feet.... which city is to be my life?

blah blah blah blah
nothing even matters anymore, its ridiculous...

and so it happened...
hahaha
this magic moment....

why carry on without me?

2004-06-11T23:22:43Z

no really. why?
oh im sick. to my stomach.
and my heart... it hurts right now.

i guess i need you baby

well it was the beginning of the end.
focus on the future, focus focus focus.
or else ill fall apart
i have to do this, theres no way out.
its called growing up...

can we say ow?
goddamnit...cliches are sometime true arent they?
growing up is hard to do

MY WEAKNESS CAUSED YOU PAIN

at night i pray... that soon your face will fade away
and everytime i try....

you guys... i love you. where will we go? what will we do?
who will remember me?

i guess its called depressing music and a grand finale.
i guess you could call it painful.
i guess you can call it life.

you all....what would i do without you?
BC has been my life...
and ill remember it...

joel, baby...
i love you still. With all my heart, and i have loved you since the day i met you. I dont know what to do anymore... im so sorry ... for everything, for now.
could you ever forgive me? could you ever stop hurting?
i never meant to hurt you....i just tried to make it easier for us...
i thought better now then later... i thought we would be setting ourselves up for heartbreak.
but it was too late.
i dont know how im going to manage living my life without you
i loved you. i love you still.

uhh...

marina... whats happened? i dont know, but im sad because i feel like i lost you. I love you marina, and Ill be here to help you figure things out.
once youre back.... ill be ready for you
you are a good person, a great person.
come back.

jame....
thank you. for everything. you are a blessing. and i love you so much.
so much.

cas...
what can i say? honesty. complete bluntness. thats always refreshing.
i love you.
and be good.

rebecca... im going to need you next year. My light.

PROFFITT
im sorry for everything you went through. you didnt deserve it. Youre one of the coolest kids i know... and one of the best.
im lucky to have known you.
we're both leaving next year... and its going to be hard, but listen to your own advice...
keep your head up EP
and even if you dont feel him... try to remember he's there
and yes.... i love you
a good friend.
we'll get through everything, dont worry.
good luck in life EP
ill be seeing you!!

a sad goodbye

god, ive been so in love with life....with my life...

I AM AFRAID

dozze13 @ 2004-06-10T23:38:00

2004-06-11T06:44:00Z

did i not tell you, im not like that girl...
the one who gives it all away...

oh dear. i refuse to speak of it. ( the inevitable goodbye)
haha, i guess i did anyways

dont think that your charm and the fact that your arm is around my neck
will get you in my pants ill have to kick your ass...

haha. good girl.

well, i love him, what can i say?

i gave it all away.
everything i had, i gave it.

ohhhhhh god....
i love you all.

oh sickness

2004-06-10T16:20:09Z

well, i guess im sick. because it occured to me when i tried talking that i have no voice.
perfect timing.
a sign from god?
maybe.
haha

well anyways, im hungry and im tired and im worried.

so, what am i supposed to do with everything?
i guess just let it fall.

paul and me and rebecca and whoever i bring.
or sleeping....

i wish peoplecould hear me try to talk, nothing comes out.

its like this:

ya, like that.

no call. Dont care.

keeping my head up, as always.

dozze13 @ 2004-06-09T22:59:00

2004-06-10T06:04:31Z

i made a decision.

its called one time, and then thats it.
its called ive gotta give it up and suck it up.

and i refuse to talk about graduation anymore. i keep reading about it everywhere and i dont need that. Im wierded out as it is and i dont want to dwell. life happens.

we move on.
we live.

there is more to life then drama and highschool and everything that we know.
god, there is so much more.
and i found someone.
to live it with, to be with forever....
to grow up with.
friendship.
love.
no difference here.
my two best friends.
i love you guys.
rebecca.... i love you
joel.... i love you too
friends.
forever

lets make bracelets.

thats it. no more dwelling.

live.

dozze13 @ 2004-06-09T22:09:00

2004-06-10T05:54:18Z

im here without you baby... but youre still with me in my dreams....

uh, is that what its going to be like

leave tonight or live and die this way....
that keeps killing me...
(me myself ive got nothing to prove)
i would leave wihtout a second of hesitation if i knew it was for real. If he said, lets now.... i need this... i would say
ok.
lets go.

starting from zero we got nothing to prove.
is that a good way to look at things?

he came home. doubt. fear. happiness. sadness. its over before it even started.

i remember him massaging beccas shoulders. I remember seeing b at his locker, and i remember hurting.
and i still do ya know? its so hard to let go of pain...

it aint that easy for you to pack up and leave him you and him got different ties for different reasons... and i respect that just before i turn to leave ...she said
you dont know what you mean to me
no matter what i do, all i think about is you...

thats it.time to take off the shoes. can i do it?
we'll see.

rebeca came over. old times... felt like we were carefree again. boys on the mind. songs on the radio. dramas in the air. best friend feeling when you can be honest and know we'll be ok cuz weve got eachother, and its all good.
bj's. beautiful boys. beautiful girls. ministrone in a bread bowl and crutons.
scott and joel won our hearts.
of all the people.
two girls that are the same. in love with the oddest people. he calls he calls he calls.
she will always be there wont she? maid of honor, planning my baby shower, at the hospital, my kids high school graduation. Its good to have something so real. I would forgive her no matter what.
she would never do some of the things.
its called trust.
and she has mine.

pray for me, someone who's close to god because i dont know if he can hear me.

you still have all of me

tomorrow is my last full day. please pray.
keep it back.
hold back the tears.

i guess i have to say goodbye.

but i keep looking longingly at those shoes.
keep them in the closet?
or just throw them away?
analogies, my friends.

i have to look ahead.
there is a future.
no matter how pretty the past was.....
the future is beautiful

dozze13 @ 2004-06-09T09:47:00

2004-06-09T16:44:38Z

so the lakers won and kobe and mallone are hot. so hot can i just tell everyone. watchd it with my baby... all my boys just sitting everywehere.

HAHAHAHAHa... JAMIE...YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH!!!

sorry i keep saying ewww... i cant help it. I guess i will try harder.

joel says BLLLLLEEEAAAAHHHHH

so about my new pair of shoes.... wired. They were noticing the discomfort too... or the getting used to aspect of wearing new shoes.

mccay comes home.

and i feel calm right now.

europe in two weeks. shit. shoot.
time is passing me by

its all ok

she finished

well anyways.....now is one of those days where i can feel better about things because i can get through everything. I mean... we get through it. we live.

isnt she lovely?

2004-06-08T18:17:59Z

uhh... 7 days. So its here.

my hands are all bandaged up. poor hands.

eric comes home tomorrow. Wierdness. I really have no idea how im going to handle that. honestly though, i dont. he calls me everyday. His profile says... thinking about... and thats to me. Its nice that he likes me, because hes eric mcneely... and i wanted him for so long.... but for him to like me the way he claims to? thats wierd. I dont know how to handle that. ive only had joels feelings for a long while now... i dont know if i want to be responsible for the possible sadness of someone else.

but so it comes.

honestly, i am at a loss.
for words
for plans
for feelings.
i dont even know what im doing anymore.

floating is nice sometimes, but only if you know where youre going to land.

im afraid for my future roomate. what if shes annoying? I will be annoyed.

not so innocent, so i hear.

uhhhh...im afraid for tomorrow. I really am. the sinking sensation in my stomach is coming... and i really really dont want to be the bitch. But i am. I mean no matter what its going to be wierd. to let him tell me that he likes me more then hes ever liked any girl...i suck at life.

picture me when im 28 years old. married with children? Mrs. joel Lazo?
on my own, money in my wallet with a BMW?
im NOT going to be able to get used to life on my own. struggle? since when have i had to do that? pay for things? you mean, i cant just ask my dad?
see, thats when i worry about myself. what am i going to do? its like... im used to my life... all spects of it. My dad spoils me.
this i know...
how come some people have so much? and others....
i was walking down the streets in LA... and i felt guilty.

denny...let me just say NO

my grades suck. I have a C in Chem? what the hell?
didnt do english portfolio. OHHH WELLLL

its time.

some words of advice i would like to dispense...

2004-06-05T22:02:18Z

grad nite.
class of 2004
tears streaming down my eyes.
the sun came up.
it was over.

UHH... when did i become so attatched to the cement dome? Since when have I come to love it? I mean really love it. Since when have i loved them... everything?

and i know i have to let go, but i dont want to.
let it go, let it go...
shhhhh...

the nite itself was a little chaotic. drama with joel, until i said fuck it and so did he and we went our separate ways. Which one would crack first? I went my way with my WAYS, of course. And i realized i am a little shit. i really am. and my main concern is making sure im not sad because there is nothing in the world i hate more then that feeling.... that feeling in the pit of my stomach that feels like its never going to go away...
its called sadness.
its called love.
... so on with the night. It occured to me that i have forgotten what it feels like to be touched by someone other then joel. Its wierd... to be back into the realm of akward touching and silences, sweaty palms and all the rest of the supposedly endearing traits of the beginning. I didnt like it all. I have become accustomed to that level of comfort...so i kind of shunned a certain male, and i know, that sucks.
as i was on my way to power... to dance, or not even dance but be squished by a million people having sex with clothes on....i was thinking that he wasnt gonna call me the whole night and i might as well join in. But the bodies of strangers werent pleasing to me.... and i was getting to hot and sticky and feeling dirty...so i wandered away bymself,and my phone rings... and its him.
Craaaaaaacckkkkk!!
it was him.
he loves me, he loves me not.... he loves me.
and he says
wat are you doing... freakin people?
a feeling of satisfaction.
..... so i found him, and i did what he deserves, a little apologizing, a little pleading...
and so went my nite. I danced with him, and it was normal.
I wonder if thats what keeps us from ever leaving eachother completely. Not knowing what its like to be without eachother. the level of comfort. routine. scared to let it go?!

the sun came up and the feeling grabbed my chest and didnt let it go until i fell asleep. even then it was there.
the ache.
the fear.
the dread,
the excitement.
all mixed into one intense feeling.

i slept all day and i woke up thinking it was morning, only to discover it was 5 in the afternoon. WHAT THE HELL i thought when i looked at the clock. then i figured it out. oh.

i saw little mccay and proff dancing. ooooo lala.... me and joel were cracking up. and sumner. Go white boys!

tattoo'd. my baby is tattood and he's not my baby anymore.
one step closer to saying goodbye.

im sore. The black man broke my toe.
maybe thats what the amputation of the feet was about. A premonition of things to come.
denny saved my life one time
i thought about it for awhile.

his profile says thinking about you. and the thing is, i really think he is. I really think i have him.
why? why why why?
sometimes i pride myself into thinking that there is something about me and they all like it. THAT THING. that thing that makes all people unique and certain people attracted to some and not others. and then it occurs to me...
applying your personal settings....
and thats what it is.
its the package.
the goddamn package that they all like and dont care to unwrap.

and theres feelings being thrown in every direction and ive never been so confused.

the future is looming over my head.

what will i do when i have to say goodbye? that night.... the goodbye, the farewell....
the end?

dozze13 @ 2004-06-02T11:21:00

2004-06-02T18:27:23Z

applying your personal settings...
Is that what im like?

joel treats me like shit today, but really... im too tired to care.

Wilson's crack me up.

a gaze of admiration today. i will give you that. but thats about it.

I notice the small things. I notice the big things. but its those small things, those miniscule, almost completely invisible things that only i know... its those things that i love.

mcneely... que sera... sera
what will be will be

You know how those late night conversations are reserved for that someone. the person who is supposed to be the last person that you talk to? or want to talk to. Two nights ago i dreamt he came out of my shower. And i kissed him. And i wanted to hold on to that dream and remember what it was like. Last night i dreamt i had to get my feet amputated. of all things. amputation of the freaking feet.

marina is beautiful... i hate what is going on right now. I hate that there is so much doubt there. i wish it was all back to normal. But why am i even mad?
I guess... once trust is broken... it cant be repaired.

i kept calling him back to me, but he wanted to leave. it was so sad, but finally i just said fuck it. I wont ask you to come back here.
SO GO ON NOW GO
WALK OUT THE DOOR

he makes me laugh. At one in the morning when all i meant to say was im not getting back on... i ended up being happy after a shitty day. I ended up laughing when i was all laughed out. i ended up smiling. I ended up with two hours, a low battery... and that feeling. when you know somethings happening and its all out of your control. Its a scary feeling. but god its a good one.

europe in 5..4...3...
am i ready to face the world?
that i am

should i stay or run away and leave it all behind?
its times like these, you learn to love again.
its times like these, time and time again.

I will keep living wont i?

oooooo

2004-06-02T16:45:27Z

stummin my pain with his fingers...
.....singing my life with his words...
killing me softly with his words...
...killing me softly...

oooooo.... i keep trying to go to sleep early. But its not working out. Im falling out and im falling in.
And then im in and in and nowhere near going out and im a dangerous situation.

i remember the soccer game that was like 500 miles away in the middle of nowhere on what seemed to be a barn and it was minus fifty degrees. And i played like shit. i wish i had the chance to play like shit again.

my hand is not getting any better. In fact, its bothering the hell out of me.

my little brother has such a cute little round head. I will miss those children.

Well what is last night? conversations deep into the night. well it seems to be the beginning phases of things doesnt it? Its been so long since its been the beginning. For so long its just been the end. And while all these things are just ending, coming to ther tumultuous and tragic end...its good to have a new beginning. To see that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Dont go to the light he keeps telling me, stay here.

happy bday joel. I am so sorry.

all in all... its all ok

2004-05-31T19:45:00Z

well well well

the timing is as always, imperfect. But time and emotions are always infallable arent they?
BEC... how many times do u have to tell me?

my neck is tensed up and my muscles are in knots, and i spent the night debating on how to handle this.

At 2 in the morning his arms were wrapped around me and there was nothing else to do
At 2 in the morning his eyes were looking straight at me
At 2 in the morning he was inches from my face, and it seemed like there was no one else around
At 2 in the morning i said yes

MISTAKE?

so many thoughts rushing through my head, i feel like i cant grasp what is going to happen.

tick tock tick tock

people who say they are my friends.... they dont know shit

"me and my girl.... we got this relationship.. i love her so bad.. but she treats me like shit..."

I love him.

summertime..... and the livin is easy...

wrong.

I still love him. Damnit.

it would help me to know...

2004-05-31T06:48:33Z

i burnt my fucking thumb. ow, let me just say

prom = i dont know. good time with joel. he is, neverfailing. in bitchiness, in adorableness, in idiocy, in irony, in lameness.... in greatness....in making me remember every single things i have ever loved about him.
bad timing? perfect timing? who knows?
hahaha.....the nerve of some people. im amazed at their audacity. Where is the decency?
molly for prom queen?
A girl in a turqouise dress looked beautiful. I hate to admit it, but I was taken aback.
jens barn smelled like B freaking O.... but being there with joel.... it all fades away. I only want to smell joel for the rest of my life.

I remember searching for the perfect words....i remember feelings coming over me. i remember hating you for loving me...
so true

time to stop with the games. Cant deny it. Im in love. Ive been in love. I will always be in love.
why him i wonder?

i have never felt so loved.

i have never felt so hated.

schaefer is a sweetheart. Nobody knows, how much he cares.

who says all military men have honor?

john kerry....our next president? PLEASE NO.

how am i supposed to say no to something that i want to say yes to?
i know. JOEL.

a sudden overwhelming feeling of loss.
time is slipping away.
who will remember me?

i hate everything about you

2004-05-22T02:41:40Z

uh, the drama i have created... why do i do such things? did he really need to know? i guess i just suck at being a human being. shouldve kept my pain to myself, i didnt need to give it to him. hes such a great guy. he didnt deserve that. ITS FUCKED UP, is what it is.

why do the nice people get hurt?

Why do i still believe life should be fair? its not... but yet, i keep on believing.

chug chug... i think i can, i think i can

11 days, given says to me today. its creeping up on me, i can feel it. i dont know what to do anymore. let it go jenelle.... let it go

"i was just thinking about you..."
oh, were you? now you have me thinking about you and i dont need to be doing that. another thing on my to do list. (haha)

trust... i cant do it anymore, i just cant. im tramatized. still broken hearted after a year and a half. shit happens.... so i hear....and still, it hurts

the best is yet to come...
what are we talking about here? sinatra? dessert? Life?

why am i such an angry person? sometimes theres a huge amount of anger bottled up inside me. i scare myself. my dad... he has got some issues. i dont want to hate him, but i cant help it.

sex... such an akward issue. how do i feel about it he asks. i d

...im tired.... i sleep and im still just tired....

2004-05-19T22:43:55Z

uhh... talk about annoying people. try to be a little brighter sometimes...get ur book when you come to class.. thats how it goes.

calm down, calm down. 10..9.. 8...
can you hear the blood rushing through me because i swear, he makes me so mad sometimes i dont know what to do.

decisions, decisions... people, please. if i could, id have you all. unfortunantly, life doesnt work out like that. so must i choose? i guess. what else is there to do? eventually the thread runs thin ya know?

ultimately, there is more to life

i will make it, and i will win. because... we all know, its inevitable

prom... count down begins...dont have a dress, or a date, or anything. Itll work. it always does. I always end up spending way too much of my daddy's money. try like 5 or 6 hundred, by the time its over. versace.. chilling in my closet...thought my senior prom would do it, but whatever... no ones worth the time anyways. they all know

do they all know? it seems like they all know. im just a phase. and everyone goes through it, goddamnit

"i should have given you a reason to stay..."
my dear, you gave me too many. if you could have given me at least one reason to go... maybe i would be able to stay

when you got it good... its really good isnt it?

fonte, ill kick your doughy ass

speaking of doughy asses....sick, wide, sick... get it out of my face... can we say underwear?

letting it go, letting it go

3...2...1...
its gone

i miss you still

hahaha... relocation

2004-05-19T22:17:01Z

and even though the moment passed me by.. I still cant turn away
17 most recent entries

Date: 2004-05-18 09:46
Subject: it must have been love... but its over now, it mustve been good, but i lost it somehow...
Security: Public

ahh, seriously, what else could i possibly do wrong? what else s there for me to screw up. Who else is there for me to screw over? I just suck, i think. Why do i suck at life. so candice is crying on cassi's shoulder, marina's all sad and her ego's all broken, and half of me isnt even sympathetic at all. i mean, what goes around comes around... i like to say anyways. but who i am to play the role of karma? Is it all gonna come back to me? am i gonna end up being so played, over and over again, for all the boys i strung along. its not my fault, what am i supposed to do? ive always only wanted one guy, and all the other ones were nothing. And what happens when one turns into something but i still feel like that ONE is STILL EVERYTHING? then, my life sux. And i can feel joel slipping away, and im not even trying to hold on anymore, because if he wants it like this, i guess it just adds a lot of heartache to my life, but a lot less complications. ya know how it goes. I never meant to hurt anybody. I guess im just selfish. but fonte, youre dead my friend..... you better watch it.

banquet tonite. another sad goodbye i wish i didnt have to say. goodbye to you.... to everything that i knew....

coach pat, she knows im gonna miss her. Soccer cleats... old friends, you know ill remember for you forever.

gone are the days when i was a high school soccer player.

gone are the days where everything was ok because we were in love

life is more complicated then that, i have concluded

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Date: 2004-05-14 09:41
Subject: the person falling here is me
Security: Public

joel just almost put something.... jamie you saw, but then he didnt. hey, ive been to target before, lots of times actually. but not walmart. but i went yesterday, because we were at in n out, and there was walmart.. huge, and giant, and i was like, hey.... there was a movie about a girl who had a baby in a walmart, so then i went in, and i let matthew play videogames and watch tv in there even though he wasnt supposed to because i forgot that its no tv week for him. so we just didnt tell my mom. (sneaky sneaky)OH GOD... rupert.. he won. i think my dad probably voted like 500 times for him. it makes me laugh that my dad likes rupert so much. My dad is always a fan of the super nice guys because hes not one of them. k k... drama drama with marina... blah

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Date: 2004-05-13 09:19
Subject:
Security: Public

well well well... hi jamie and cas. cas, you ever write. jame... you always do. hahaha.. too bad my dad bought man on fire. im like, how the hell did u get this? its still in theaters. but whatever... my dad has magical powers, and somehow, he manages to do things

joel just walked out on me, mad because of denny. seriously, what the hell. grow up joel, what do u think? no way this is gonna work out if he doesnt learn to deal with things

joel, joel joel.. what the hell

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Date: 2004-05-07 16:56
Subject:
Security: Public
Mood: pleased

"wait for the boy who persues you, the one who will make an ordinary moment seem magical, the kind of boy who brings out the best in you and makes you want to be a better person, wait for the boy who will be your best friend, the boy who will drop everything just to be with you at any time of the day no matter what the circumstances, wait for the boy who makes you smile like no one else ever could, and when he smiles, you know he needs you, wait for the boy who wants to show you off to the world when youre in sweats, and most of all wait for the boy who will put you at the center of his universe, because obviously.....hes the boy worth waiting for"

eureka i have found it

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Date: 2004-05-07 10:25
Subject: will u still love me... tomorrow?
Security: Public

ah... why do the dramas just add up? now this whole thing with this whole other grup of my friends... i thought that i at least limited it to joel, i kept the drama there... a little with bec... but thats about it.... now theres so much more, and its sux. I feel bad because i feel like i told a certain person something i shouldnt have and the only reason i did is because i was hurt. I sometimes think that i can justify it by saying he has a right to know.... but did i have a right to tell? i dont think so. Anyways.as that drama unfolds and comlicates itself more and more... i guess me and joel are just not strong enough right now. That boy.. the way he smells, the way he smiles..... i just love him with my whole heart and truthfully theres not enough heart left for anyone else.. but i just keep trying to make myself believe that i still can handle my life, thats its not ending, but everytime i look at him, all i want to do is kill him because i love him so much that he took everything away, and now i have nothing left, nothing really to stand on.... and when im bymyself, i really will be bymyself because as hard as i tried to make sure this wouldnt happen... i let everything else go... appearance vs. reality...really, theme in my life. People think i have it together.. people think that i can always help them out with their problems and that im happy and that when i act like im mad its just a stupid jenelle mood.... not really mad... but nobody knows/..... that its all gone. Im losing it all, and i have to start all over from nothing..... whatever... i need something, anything to distract myself from him. HIM. JOEL. he is everything to me. I have to find something, anything else, and i need to do it right this second, make up my mind and do it because i cant handle it anymore.. i cant handle joel, or the way he loves me.... its not normal, i dont even know if its real. Its this disfunctional love, this deformed, demented type of thing that were in here. ...
anyways.... i watched dawsons creek.... i guess jen is dying.. i guess dawsons dad dies.... CRAP.... i cried, even tho i didnt even see that scene. Its not real, i had to say to myself. ITS NOT REAL

friends ended last night. things are all ending. so is frasier. I dont even watch that show.... but ill watch the finale, and cry my heart out as if it was me...

because really... so much is ending, so much.... i have to start all over from scratch, when i wish i didnt have to because i could have stayed here forever. As much as i hate BC and some of the anoying people in it... it represents my life, what ive been for the last few years... where i met joel, this incredible, beautiful human that changed my life and altered the way that i think forever.... where i grew up a little, where i fell in love for the first time... where my heart was broken and fixed and then broken again. uhhh.... what do i do? how do i say goodbye?

I cant. I dont think il ever be able to say goodbye.
" dont look back you can never look back"

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